i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
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Doing math together is known as fourplay.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
I wear a lot of sport bras for someone who gets winded brushing their teeth.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
My husband in the next room of our small old house trying to store away the unreasonable bounty he brought home from Costco tonight: “I have made errors. Why did I think we had this much room for pancake mix?”
Y’all ready for this
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
date: [making small talk over dinner] so what are you looking for?
me: [fingering my soup] i dropped my spoon in
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!