idk much about capitalism but taylor swift should create a line of nebulizers for her asthmatic fans called inhaler swift.
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Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Jupiter
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please