It was worth a shot 😂
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date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
these two trucks have the same bed length
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.