Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
who’s gonna tell her?
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
The MCU should introduce an evil version of Mjölnir that you can only lift if you’re a total jerk.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
Someone : What do you do if your boyfriend hates fruit jokes?
You : Let the ManGo
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
Bought a pair of sustainable
alligator shoes.
‘How do you know they’re authentic?’
‘I don’t have to cut my toe nails anymore!’
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
