Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
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reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?