I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
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Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean