Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
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Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
I put the dance in “Good riddance!”
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.