me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
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I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth