Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
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Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.