My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
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911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.