My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
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GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
Check out the legs on this baby
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
Me My dog
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)