My teenage niece and nephew refer to everything before the year 2000 as “the 1900’s” and, while technically correct, it still makes me want to slap them.
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The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
A lot can be said about the difference between a Guy and a Man
Someone known colloquially as the Noodle Guy could probably tell you about all sorts of different pasta shapes and what sauces pair with them
But The Noodle Man is someone known to authorities
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
It’s pretty apt that the i is in the middle of ‘hurricane’.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.