Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
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[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
They’re not wrong
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.