Normalize asking if this is an intervention whenever someone invites you over
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I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
“Square up your hips.”
“Alright.”
“Your elbows need to come up.”
“Is all this really necessary?”
“Have you seen the news?”
“No.”
“They’re coming for us, Sid.”
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! 2026 will be my year!!!
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
I am not responsible for what my face does when you talk
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands