Now wait a minute- 馃槶馃槶馃槶
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toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn鈥檛 looking
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
If your kids aren鈥檛 drinking enough water, tell them it鈥檚 bedtime.
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
Still my favourite meme.
Sometimes I鈥檒l watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I鈥檓 going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
I鈥檓 re-enacting Titanic today, I鈥檓 at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
someone just emailed me to very condescendingly inform me a portion of the email I sent her made no sense. reader, the sheer joy I felt at being able to reply that the message was forwarded to her as she originally submitted it and I too am looking for clarity on what she meant
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut鈥檚 updog
SHAGGY: not much what鈥檚 up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy