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[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets