Telling the server about the dead bug in your salad seems like a good idea until you see the protein up-charge on your bill.
![]()
You Might Also Like
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine