That seems a conundrum…
🤔
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1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
I can also cook 😂
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.