Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks

My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.

A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.

Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.

Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.

My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.

Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.

We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.

(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*

Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.

Wife: He’s your son!

Me: So you say! But I don’t…

*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*

Me: …ok fine he’s my son.

[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…

… the end.

I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them

I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.

Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”

No one heard her.

Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.

I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.

It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.

If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.

My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.

*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*

What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?

Deceased

plant them where lol

When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?

Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.

You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby

i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer

Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.