Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
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WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
peeping toms
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
Canadian owl: Eh?
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off