I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
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Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
bought wrong eggs
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything