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FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*