Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
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Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade