Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
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Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird