[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
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I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
dam girl
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.