Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
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Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then