Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
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what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh