Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
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Like my dad, I often confuse american and british english. I guess I’m a crisp off the old distance along a street between two intersections.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
why can’t i find normal clothes anymore why is it all either $5 for a scrap of polyester produced in evil ways or $200 for a basic shirt
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
don’t be scared
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
My husband, not knowing my friend had popped round, came in from work last night and loudly said “Daddy’s home!”
Had to very quickly explain to my friend, after seeing the expression on her face, that my husband wasn’t addressing me, it was actually our dogs he was talking to.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
Isn’t it odd that “read” is pronounced like “lead”, while “read” is pronounced like “lead”?
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
Welcome to middle age. You now take pictures of instructions so you can enlarge them.
😂😅😂
3: I wuv you Mommy.
Me: I love you too!
3: Don’t talk to me.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.