When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
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Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*