Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
You Might Also Like
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
This squirrel eats better than I do
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.