yes hello I’d like to exchange my generational trauma for generational wealth please
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Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
I forgot the word “espresso” so I asked the barista for a smaller, angrier coffee
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
I think polyamory will become a common thing, but not because of a social movement or an influencer. Because of inflation.
A cute guy at work wants to take you to dinner? Fantastic, that saves me like a hundred bucks. Bring back leftovers!
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
The answer is funnier than the question
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
Milking stools only have three legs, because the cow has the udder.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.