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Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
“Sheer Arrogance”
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on