Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
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Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell