ππ»ββοΈ
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As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, βthatβs typical of you.β Usually across a dining table.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
Her: what are you into
Me: pokΓ©mon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?