You Might Also Like
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.