🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
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me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
Not my fess but my dentists. As a kid I hated cleaning my teeth, my dentist asked for a few mins to explain it to me, dad left us alone. Dentist pulled out pliers and proper threatened to pull all my teeth out if I had one single cavity next appointment. It worked. Psycho.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
what the hell pray for carter everyone
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right