100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
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I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish