Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
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“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
When I snag the last meatball.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat