The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
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I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.