My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
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[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
Bootstraps
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
In banana years, I am bread.
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
Me, reading some of your tweets