“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
You Might Also Like
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
I’m calling the cops.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
Good advice.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*