wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
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one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
I feel this so hard
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth