I can also cook 😂
You Might Also Like
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*