If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
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Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.