Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
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SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”