True freaking story!
You Might Also Like
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
fixed it
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
Florida man
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.