Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
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4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
“I FIXED IT!”
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.