nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
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What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
March 16
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…