People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
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My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
Haha! 😂
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
😏😏😏
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
Have kids, they said
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning