Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
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Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them